If I Were A Pokemon
by CrashCourse777
Summary: Ulquiorra and Grimmjow, both hated adversaries, are pitted against each other in a heated battle not-so-much against their will, so why are Orihime and Aizen shouting attack commands from above? And just what does Gin have up his sleeve?


**Hi everyone! This is my second ever fic and it's just a little oneshot I came up with late in the night when I should have been asleep. I don't really think this is too much of a crossover, it just sort of takes some stuff off of Pokemon in a moment of cracked-ness. And it's slightly AU.**

**The rating's for a little violence and some swearing. Oh, and there are some UlquiorraxOrihime stuff in it, but not like a whole truck load. I least I think there's not, I don't know, I miiight have gone a teensy bit carried away at parts, but not a lot! I swearz =)**

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

It was an average day in Hueco Mundo, completely typical, with absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

Yet.

Ulquiorra walked through the white halls of Las Noches with no where to be and was patrolling the silent hallways for simply something to do.

On the other side of the palace his sensitive ears were able to pick up the sounds of a wing of the building exploding. He paid it no mind, and tuned out the wails of immature Arrancar crying for a medic and the bustling of feet hurrying desperately to fix the ruined walls and to somehow super glue the pillars that had collapsed in shambles.

Yep, just your average, typical day in Las Noches.

Ulquiorra continued on down his path to no where in particular while silently wondering when the lower Arrancar would grow up and learn that they can't solve all their problems with swords and ceros.

After all, it was common knowledge for a warrior not to show his enemies his assets and abilities without first gauging their opponent's first. The fools down in what that idiot Grimmjow called The Ghetto of Las Noches never took the time to size up their opponents, never calculated their every move, never looked for the perfect opportunity to make their death blow. No, it was all slash slash slash explosions explosions.

Trash, all of them.

Ulquiorra was knocked out of his inner rant when he heard an all too familiar cry.

"Ulquiorra!"

In a flash, the Fourth Espada shot like a bullet towards the sound of Orihime's voice. He couldn't remember how long ago it was that his leader had put him in charge of the woman, but somewhere in that time, she had wormed her way into his existence, his entire body was now wired to follow the sound of her voice and answer her every beck and call, no matter how silly or inane the request(which was usually the majority of them), though he kept telling himself the odd connection with the girl was only out of orders.

Ulquiorra hadn't even been paying any attention to where he was going, too engrossed in just getting to the woman encase she was in some sort of danger. It wasn't until the woman was no more than a foot away from him that he notice just where they were and blinked in surprise.

They were on the...roof?

Ulquiorra had sonidoed his way to the top of Las Noches and the two of them were currently standing on the three large pillars that adorned the outer dome of the palace.

He blinked again and wondered how the woman had even gotten up here.

Orihime apparently hadn't noticed Ulquiorra's presence and was on her hands and knees looking over the ledge of the high pillar. "Wow, this is really far up..."

"Woman."

Orihime just about jumped out of her skin and almost fell over the ledge, but quickly caught herself. She backed away from the edge of the landing skittishly and put a hand over her racing heart.

"U-Ulquiorra! Don't scare me like that!" she said accusingly. Her heart felt like it had a death wish and was going to beat right out of her chest and straight off the end of the very, very high up pillar they were on.

"Woman, what are you doing up here?"

Orihime instantly smiled,"Wait here." She walked out onto the ledge again, but not so far out this time, and cupped her hands around her mouth in the way that was supposed to mimic a megaphone.

"Okay Aizen! I now formally accept your challenge!"

Ulquiorra's eyes widened marginally when the top of the pillar across from theirs opened up to reveal a little trap door in the white building material. Mysterious fog drifted up through the opening as three figures slowly rose up through the trap door.

"Whoa, I didn't know we could use fog machines," Orihime whispered.

The fog dissipated some, but did not stop completely, to reveal the forms of none other than the absolute leaders of Las Noches Aizen, Gin, and Tosen. As Ulquiorra mentally fumbled for an idea as to why his Lords and Masters were rising dramatically out of the top of a pillar, the fog continue to spew up from the trap door, beginning to engulf the entire top landing in a greyish cloud.

"Uh oh, looks like the fog machine's actin' up,"Gin Ichimaru's accented voice came from the inside of the smokey haze as banging and crunching noises were heard from inside the cloud, most likely someone kicking the faulty fog machine with their foot.

Finally, the rest of the fog disappeared and the former shinigami's forms became fully visible. Aizen smiled at Orihime and Ulquiorra.

"Ah, I see you've brought your challenger, as have I," Aizen snapped his fingers and Tosen reached behind him to bring out what appeared to be a squirming body wrapped in white cloth. Orihime immediately likened the wriggling thing to a mummy she saw once in a textbook. Muffled noised could be heard from the body as it continued to writhe and try to break itself free from its bonds.

"Now then, Orihime, it is time."

Ulquiorra was at a complete loss. He turned his outwardly emotionless face to the woman next to him hoping to find just a shred of an inkling as to what was going on. He stopped and stared at the serious look on Orihime's face. She replied to Aizen's odd statement with an equally serious voice. "Yes, let' us begin."

Aizen smiled and in that scarily calm way of his. He pointed a finger directly into the large amount of space between him and Orihime and said,"Go, Grimmjow."

Suddenly, Tosen threw the still heavily squirming body over the edge of the pillar they were standing on but kept hold of one end of the wrapping around the body. A mass of white fabric unraveled around the body starting at the head to reveal spiked blue hair. Soon, the head was completely uncovered and the sounds of Grimmjow's surprised cursing was heard loud and clear.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Being the loudest and most frequently uttered phrase as he plummeted head first to the bottom of the three pillars. Just when it looked like he would smash his skull open upon impact with the top of Las Noches, Grimmjow quickly turned his body at the last moment and landed on all fours perfectly unharmed, curses still flowing from his mouth.

Back up at the top of the pillars, Ulquiorra witnessed the whole scene and mentally smirked. _The guy really is a cat._

Suddenly, and without warning, Ulquiorra felt a pair of arms give him a powerful shove in the back, sending him plummeting towards the top of the dome as well with the woman's determined voice following him towards his end.

"Go, Ulquiorra! I choose you!"

_WHAT THE HELL?_

He quickly righted himself halfway from the hard surface of Las Noches and landed gracefully on his feet. He instantly tilted his head up and glared daggers at the woman.

Grimmjow halted his rant of angry profanities when he saw Ulquiorra. He smirked.

"Well, well, looks like you got bagged, too."

Ulquiorra turned his death glare to the grinning Espada across from him. "I don't know what you're talking about, Sexta, I was merely called here by the woman and suddenly found myself pushed over the edge of the pillar." he usually didn't feel the need to explain himself to the likes of Grimmjow but Ulquiorra was a little peeved about being shoved off a skyscraper and was still dumbfounded as to why he was even in this situation at all.

Grimmjow laughed at his response and then his expression turned angry again,"Lucky you, I was just beatin' up some rowdy Adjucas when all of a sudden a bag was thrown over my head and I was knocked out, and then I wake up wrapped head to toe in toilet paper and thrown over a freakin' ledge only to find myself with you!" He eyed Ulquiorra like the pale Espada was behind everything and got into a fighting stance, ready to rip the Fourth's eyes out at any given moment.

Ulquiorra didn't move from his regular indifferent hands-in-pockets stand as both Espada glowered at each other.

Up above, they could hear Aizen explaining something to Orihime and they both paused in their glaring contest to listen.

"So, who ever knocks out the other first wins?"

"That is correct, and whoever wins will receive the prize."

Orihime brightened at the mention of a prize and her eyes had an even more determined look in them and she nodded,"got it."

Aizen smiled and nodded to Gin who began counted down from ten.

As he was counting, Orihime took the short opportunity to shout down what sounded like encouragement, but for what, Ulquiorra hadn't a clue.

"Do your best Ulquiorra! Don't worry, I believe in you!"

Ulquiorra's frown deepened.

Gin was on five when Aizen took the opportunity as well to say something to Grimmjow.

"Do exactly as I say, understand Grimmjow?"

Ulquiorra could tell that Grimmjow didn't have any clue what was going on either but he shrugged and yelled back,"aye aye, Cap'n!"

Gin's count down seemed to echo through the air as ultimate silence reigned over the group.

"3...2...1."

"Grimmjow, mega punch."

Aizen's calm, collected voice reached the two Espada's ears. They both scrunched their eyebrows in confusion but Grimmjow shrugged again and suddenly took off at blinding speed towards Ulquiorra with a battle-happy grin.

Out of reflex, Ulquiorra blocked the oncoming punch with his hand,"What are you doing?"

Grimmjow smiled showing off his white teeth,"I'm not sure what's going on, but it looks to me like Aizen-sama wants us to battle and follow their commands. I've always wanted an excuse to kick your ass!" At that last statement, Grimmjow landed his foot square in Ulquiorra's stomach causing him to let go of the Sexta Espada's fist.

Grimmjow laughed,"What's the matter, Batboy? Afraid to fight me?"

Ulquiorra glared him,"Not at all, _pussy._" Yeah, he was still a little annoyed with all of this.

Grimmjow growled angrily and the two engaged in a heated battle, though so far, no swords were drawn. As they threw punches and kicks at each other they were only vaguely aware of Orihime and Aizen's commands from atop their two pillars.

"Ulquiorra, use your focus punch!"

"Grimmjow, double kick."

A loud cracking sound was heard from Grimmjow's left leg mid-kick as it came into painful contact with Ulquiorra's flying fist.

"Grimmjow, use mach punch."

The blue haired Espada gritted his teeth as his fist sped in a blur straight towards Ulquiorra's face. Orihime gasped,"Ulquiorra, quick! Harden!"

Uquiorra's advanced Hierro managed to leave his skin unharmed by Grimmjow's attack. In a flash, he had the Sexta Espada's arm in a death grip and Ulquiorra took the opportunity to shove his other hand right in front of Grimmjow's face.

"Bullet Seed!"

Ulquiorra was only vaguely aware of the woman spouting more useless 'battle commands' and chose to ignore her. His hand glowed a red color as he barraged his enemy with hundreds of mini-ceros using his Bala.

A cloud of dust floated around them from his attack as Ulquiorra waited. He knew fully well that his battle-hungry opponent was far from defeated.

Aizen's cool voice sounded around them, though neither one cared enough to listen,"Hyper-beam."

At that moment, a blast of cero shot out from the dissipating dust as Ulquiorra barely missed taking a direct hit. Ulquiorra and Grimmjow locked eyes and launched at each other all too ready to beat the life out of the other as punches, kicks, and ceros were thrown in an endless barrage.

This lasted for a good fifteen minutes until both Espada's breathing was heavy. Orihime's voice was starting to hurt from all the yelling she'd been doing but she ignored the pain and continued to shout commands and encouragements.

"Come on, Ulquiorra! You can do it! Don't give up!"

Although Aizen hadn't so much as risen his voice above his normal speaking level, even he was starting to feel the strain in his throat.

"Grimmjow, stay focused." That was the extent of the "encouragement" given.

Grimmjow ground his teeth together,"Hey, Batboy, what's the matter, tired already?"

Ulquiorra didn't respond and was busy analyzing the next best course of action, though he could tell, despite Grimmjow's verbal taunts, that he was doing the same as well.

Both fighters were at a stalemate. Aizen was getting frustrated and decided now was the best time to use a little of his special _influence_.

Aizen stared hard down at his Espada. Suddenly, Grimmjow felt as if the weight of a thousand worlds were on top of him. Aizen's spiritual pressure caused him to hunch over from the power of it and Grimmjow was just barely able to hear his master telling him to stop fooling around.

The pressure disappeared leaving Grimmjow sweating but knowing what he had to do. He smirked up at Ulquiorra as he straightened himself.

"Looks like playtime's over, now the real fun's about to begin."

The Sexta Espada slowly unsheathed his sword and grinned maniacally at his opponent.

"_Grind, Pantera!"_

A burst a spirit pressure exploded from Grimmjow's new form as his grinned widened over razor sharp teeth.

Orihime gaped at the scene in front of her,"c-could this be...?"

"Yes, it is,"Aizen smirked at her from across his own pillar with his two subordinates next to him with satisfied looks of their own.

"He has indeedevolved."

Orihime stared speechless at the Grimmjow's new look. An evolution in a battle was quite a rare occurrence.

All of a sudden, Orihime's look of awe was replaced with a Cheshire grin, like she had an ace in the hole that they didn't know about.

"I have to admit, that was an impressive turn of events, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve, as well."

Orihime reaching a hand in her front pocket and the three Ex-shinigami's mouths dropped at what she pulled out.

"No way, is that..." Gin started but wasn't able to finish his sentence, too in awe to do so.

Orihime nodded, the self-satisfied grin still firmly on her proud face.

"Yup, it's a _moonstone!_"

The three hollow leaders gaped at the tiny rock in her hand.

"Where the heck did you find a thing like that?"

Again, Orihime smiled,"When I was sitting on the couch in my cell-uh, I mean room-I saw this rock in the middle of the floor with the moon shining down on it and I knew immediately what it was."

Aizen and co. were helpless as they watched her toss the tiny, moon enchanted stone down into the battlefield. "Ulquiorra! Heads up!"

Ulquiorra had been fending off Grimmjow's enhanced attacks when the Fourth had finally had enough already.

"Get ready, Sexta, it's time we ended this battle."

Grimmjow smiled from his current position hanging to the side of a pillar with his claws. He jumped back down to the ground. "I couldn't agree more."

Ulquiorra deftly pulled his sword from its sheath and stared straight at his opponent.

"_Isolate, Mercielago."_

Just before he uttered his release command he thought he heard the sound of the woman's voice from up above. He felt something bounce off the helmet covered side of his head just as he was transforming into his released state. Judging by the _clink_ sound it made against his helmet, Ulquiorra guessed it was a small rock.

The air felt as if a sea of reitsu had flooded into the battle as Ulquiorra revealed his advanced form. Aizen was suddenly very glad that they weren't actually in Las Noches, the two power-house Espada would have surely destroyed his entire palace had the battle taken place inside.

Above, Orihime did a mini victory dance when her 'moonstone' did the trick.

Grimmjow smirked at Ulquiorra,"So that's your released state, huh? Nice wings, you really are a bat!"

"Just like how you really are a cat," Ulquiorra countered, which wiped the smirk right off his face and replacing it with a scowl.

"I'm not a cat, I'm a panther!"

Grimmjow roared deafeningly, an act that would have deeply startled a lower ranking Arrancar, and maybe even causing a few of them to run away.

The next instant, they were in battle once again, each determined to beat the other no matter what. They had long since forgotten about the others standing atop the tall pillars, they were now running on pure battle instinct.

"Ulquiorra, look out!" Orihime yelled. She was leaning over the edge on her hands and knees like before to get a better view of the ongoing chaos below.

Ulquiorra quickly dodged out of the way as explosive darts aimed straight for his head blew up a corner of the dome instead.

Finally after what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably only a couple minutes of non-stop explosions and largely ignored commands, Aizen looked over at Orihime who was completely engrossed in the battle and was still shouting instructions on deaf ears.

He smiled. Aizen wasn't stupid, he knew that Grimmjow, the Sixth Espada, didn't have a snowball's chance in hell against Ulquiorra, the Fourth. He never would've done this whole battle if he didn't have some sort of plan up his sleeve.

"Gin, do you remember what we discussed earlier?"

The silver haired man smiled in that creepy way of his,"Of course I do, I'm right on it."

Gin stealthily pulled out his zanpakuto and, speed being its specialty, it shot out faster than the eye could see and cut the edge of the pillar Orihime had rested her hands on. Aizen smiled,"Excellent."

Orihime had actually forgotten that she was supposed to be telling Ulquiorra battle commands and had been shouting into the war zone below various encouragements to her caretaker. Suddenly, after a particularly emphatic cheer, Orihime thought she heard the whisper of a slicing sound, and then the support under her palms gave way and crumbled. Before she could fully comprehend the situation Orihime was already falling.

"EEEEEEEEP! ULQUIORRAAAAA!"

"Grimmjow, this is your chance," Even with Orihime's horrified cry in the background and his Espada a bloody mess, Aizen was still unfailingly calm about it all.

Ulquiorra turned towards Orihime's loud cries and was immediately hit dead on by Grimmjow's blue Gran Rey Cero.

Grimmjow laughed sadistically,"that's what you get for taking your eyes off your opponent for even a second!"

Aizen leaned back satisfied, but his smile disappeared in an instant when he realized that the woman had stopped screaming. He didn't think he heard the distinct _splat_ sound of a human hitting concrete from a hundred foot drop. Aizen frowned and when the smoke from Grimmjow's attack cleared away he clenched his fists when he saw Ulquiorra holding the slightly shaking Orihime in his grasp as he set her on her feet at the base of the pillar. Other than a few bangs and ripped clothing here and there, Ulquiorra seemed devoid of any serious major injury that Aizen so yearned for at the moment.

Orihime was still a bit shaky from her trip down and Ulquiorra worried that she might fall over if she tried to walk. "Th-that was _really_ far up..."

Ulquiorra was about to lecture her on her carelessness when a deafening roar resounded through the air. In an instant too quick for Orihime to follow, Ulquiorra had blocked Grimmjow's frustrated attack with his hands.

"You just won't die already will you!"

Grimmjow threw Ulquiorra over his head but the Cuatro Espada easily regained his ground, and had allowed Grimmjow to throw him if only to get the battle away from the woman.

Both of them were exhausted and ready to end the fight. They both crouched slightly at the same time, knowing that this last attack would decide it all.

Orihime and Aizen seemed to realize that the battle was coming to an end and they readied themselves as well.

Time seemed to stand still as the two warriors waited for just the right moment to make their move. A small piece of black ash that must have been from an attack one of them made idly floated to the ground exactly in between the two powerful, battered Espada.

The black ash drifted gently in the still air. At the exact moment it touched the ground, the two beings were off.

"Ulquiorra! Hyper-beam!"

"Grimmjow, shadow-claw!"

Ulquiorra unleashed his Cero Oscura at a surprisingly close range. At the exact moment Grimmjow's claws shined a bright, long blue color as he released his Desgarron attack.

Pitch black met striking azure.

The entire battle field was covered with smoke and dust. Orihime had to cover her face with her arms and Aizen watched stoically from atop his pillar.

The cloud of debris cleared. Orihime tentatively unshielded her face and was able to make out the shadowy outlines of the two powerful Espada. Her throat hitched when she saw the bruised, bloody, and all around mutilated condition the both of them were in. One of Ulquiorra's wings was missing as was Grimmjow's hand.

Both were still and both were breathing heavily.

Just when Orihime thought that the battle was a draw she saw Grimmjow slowly fall to the ground. He was out cold.

All was still.

Orihime tore her large eyes from Grimmjow's unconscious body and quickly looked to Ulquiorra, scanning his body up and down for any signs that he would collapse as well.

Ulquiorra felt her eyes on him and turned to face her. Both stared at each other for what felt like forever, until he broke the strange spell by saying something she didn't expect, and yet at the same time it was something that only Ulquiorra would say after such a mind-blowing battle.

"Woman, do not ever let me catch you up here again."

And then he collapsed.

Orihime fell to her knees as she took in the scene of destruction all around her. The pillar she had been on before fell and crashed down behind her into the dome, the noise not even startling her. Large sections of the top of Las Noches were blown to bits, and there was an unseemly amount of blood everywhere she looked.

Her eyes were distant when Aizen appeared next to her, taking in the damage of his beloved palace with a pained frown.

"Well, you won Orihime, I suppose a congratulations is in order."

She didn't look up, didn't respond in any way.

"Gin, please give Orihime her prize."

_That _got her attention.

Orihime immediately turned her entire body towards the three hollow ring leaders and held out her hand with unbridled anticipation. She was practically shaking with excitement.

Gin reached into his sleeve and pulled a rectangular box out from some mysterious, magical sleeve pocket.

Orihime squealed and ran over to Gin to retrieve her prize. She eagerly pulled off the top of the box and a huge smile broke out over her face as she inhaled the heavenly scent of the yummy bento box and she sighed.

"Ahhh, that smells delicious! Sure, it could use some red bean paste but I'm so happy! Real food! Ulquiorra, can you believe it?" Orihime elatedly skipped over to her caretaker's fallen body and poked him with the chopsticks that came with the bento.

"Ulqui-kuuun, wakey wakey! Look, food!" Ulquiorra opened one eye and frown disapprovingly at her.

"Get that box out of my face and do not ever call me that ridiculous pet name again."

Orihime giggled, far too happy to be fazed by his usual jerk comments.

"Hey, keep it down over there! I'm tryin' to sleep!" Grimmjow called over his shoulder angrily as curled up slightly into a ball and used a broken piece of roof as a pillow.

"Oh yes, Orihime, you may also take this." Aizen pulled something out from his pocket and held it out to Orihime, who was sitting on a rock next to Ulquiorra, happily gorging herself on her bento.

She quickly swallowed her mouthful of delicious human food that was making her cheeks bulge up like a chipmunk's. She took the thing that was in his hands and her eyes widened as she realized just what it was.

"Wow, don't tell me that th-this is..."

"What is it, woman?" Ulquiorra looked over her shoulder trying to get a glimpse of whatever was making her practically vibrate. If he thought the boxed lunch made her excited...

'Ulquiorra, I can't believe it, this is the Hollow Badge!" Ulquiorra gave her a blank stare as she leapt up and did a happy dance with the bento box still firmly in her grasp.

"A what."

"A Hollow Badge! Oh Ulquiorra, we're this much closer to the big leagues! We might even be Indigo League good right now-" And then she began to ramble, which by now Ulquiorra had learned to tune out whatever she was saying, something about a Pikamon?

He looked around as she continued to prattle on and noticed that Aizen, Gin, and Tosen were no where to be seen and that Grimmjow had apparently had enough of all the noise and had decided to go back to his own room.

Ulquiorra looked back at the woman who was still talking, not seeming to have noticed that everyone had left. He hesitated only for a moment before he used sonido to go wash the off the scent of death.

It took Orihime ten minutes for her to realize that she was talking to thin air.

"Huh? Where'd everybody go? Oh no, how do I get down from here when there's no ladder? Uhh, Uquiorra? Could you help me please? Ulquiorra? Ulqui-kuuun!"

The End

**Reviews are loved!**


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